My Testimony

Hi, I’m Nicole. I’m 30 years old and this is my story.

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I became a Christ follower at the age of seven. I grew up in a loving Christian home and attended church regularly through my high school years. It wasn't until I graduated from college and entered the business world as a young professional, that my faith and personal relationship became overwhelmingly real. Sure, growing up, I understood that sometimes you go through hardships in life, but never experienced anything that truly rocked my world and affected me to the core.

Fast forward to my second job after college. I had accepted an incredible opportunity to learn from a top-notch corporate marketing department—a career move that would become both pivotal as well as detrimental. After a year, I was promoted to Marketing Brand Specialist...a title I was extremely proud of. Before long, the pressures and stress of being in the business world today brought me to a place of debilitating physical and emotional struggle. I found myself overworked, underpaid, under-appreciated, and most of all, unhappy.

One day in December 2015, I was driving to work and my arms started going numb… “Am I having a heart attack?” I worried to myself. I remember it so clearly. My chest felt tight, I was exhausted...turns out, I was having a panic attack. I was doing anything I could to hold it together at work that day until I couldn’t—I had to leave mid-meeting (unheard of for me), I was feeling so bad. I had hit rock bottom.

From there, I would find myself at the ER, countless doctors’ appointments and a course I never expected. I was diagnosed with what they thought was an esophageal ulcer. I had to be given morphine to dull the pain and other treatments intravenously due to the state of my esophagus and not being able to eat or swallow without intense pain; it was complicated. I had worked myself so hard—into so much stress and anxiety—that my body couldn’t handle it anymore. I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks...was on a medication regimen I could barely keep up with and was eating next to nothing. I was unrecognizable. I had lost myself. For about 3 months I was extremely sick and had to take medical leave from my newly earned title. During this time, I felt closer to the Holy Spirit than I probably ever had. He revealed things to me that brought me to new faith levels because I truly had to rely on him each day for my strength. He was clearly trying to get my attention and here I was finally putting him first in my life, not work/other things.

It was during this time I started reading my pastor’s recent book called “The Comeback.” It inspired me to move ahead as I got better and have a comeback stronger/better than before. It was during this time that I heard him preach a sermon that would change my life—"From Colossal Bust to Royal Blue (Louie Giglio).” He talked about the gemstone lapis lazuli and how back in historical times, it was pulverized to form a pigment called ultramarine blue, or royal blue. It was expensive due to its rarity, so artists often reserved that color for royalty, or the best of the best. This is why Mary is always painted in royal blue. In my devastation and brokenness, God showed me he wanted to use ultramarine blue in my life. That He saves his very best for us.

In the coming weeks as I recovered, I decided I owed it to myself and my company to go back to work, as they had been so good to me while I was on medical leave. It was in the week leading up to my return to work that I was continuing to read “The Comeback” when I got to Chapter 8. I started reading with tears in my eyes, confusion, anxiousness, I was scared. I felt as though God may be telling me to leave my job, but the timing. I said “Really?? Not now, God. Surely not now when I’m all better and ready to go back and the team is counting on me.” I quickly shut the book in all my frustration ignoring any inkling I had of this notion. It was during the next 6 months at work that God would continue to show me “ultramarine” blue in my life and how he was continuing to use me, grow me, and had great plans for me.

In the months that followed, old patterns became evident. It was still the harsh corporate environment I had left behind prior to my leave, with no signs of hiring extra help for a small, overworked team. Here, I finally had the courage to reopen “The Comeback” to where I left off: Chapter 8–Get Up. It talks about how many of us have something in our lives that has a firm grip on us. Something that is ready to take us out—it has us on a stretcher carrying us towards death if we let it. Something that doesn’t allow us to live out His glorious plans and purposes for us; it wreaks havoc and puts us in a haze to hinder us from living a life for Him. It was here that it clicked. Work was my stretcher. It was going to carry me all the way to the grave if I wasn’t careful. It was finally time for me to leave my position—this career chapter was over. But He allowed me the time He did upon my return to work, as He wanted to show me certain things and most importantly, gain my confidence back first.

I then went on to work for the chamber of commerce where I would make so many connections, make leaps in my career, and make a lifelong friend/mentor. After a year and a half, my mentor had left, we were under new leadership and my promotion once promised was no longer on the table. Once again, I had lost myself in my work and getting caught up in the routine of everyday life that I was not allowing time for Him in my life. I was focused on work and boys/dating. That’s it. My priorities were all screwed up. And had been since I became a career woman quite honestly. Where was I making room for him in my DAILY routine?

The time finally came to move on and start a new chapter—or so I thought. In comes landing a job at a global brand powerhouse—what I believed was the pinnacle of my marketing career thus far and everything I had been working towards. I was finally making the salary I had worked so hard to get to, was finally able to move closer to an area I always wanted to, and ultimately, proven myself. Everything seemed to align and I asked God specifically for all the doors to open in this next position if this was where He wanted me, and it seems He had done just that.

Then June 2019 hit.

Here I was again. Emotional and physical breakdown from working long hours and taking on the roles of three people, not being properly trained, and the role not being what I thought it was. I was putting extreme pressure on myself to perform for my bosses and 6 months into the job, I hit a wall. Surely this couldn’t be another relapse from a few years earlier.... I kept trying to talk myself out of the reality, but it was true. It was all happening. Again. My worst nightmare. I started having major panics attacks at work where I’d have to lock myself in the bathroom stall and just sob. I was having excruciating migraines daily from the stress. I was doing all I could to keep it together on the outside but the truth is, I was falling apart. I had to come to grips with the fact that I had never really dealt with my anxiety or trouble sleeping, which didn’t help the situation. It took hitting rock bottom a second time to realize I needed serious help. I needed to address the things that I kept pushing under the rug and never healed from years earlier. I needed to quit pushing the Lord out of my life and trying to do things my way. I needed Jesus.

It was here in this broken place a second time that I re-discovered that I needed to rely on Him for everything in my life and to surrender my will and control to Him. It wasn't until I started surrendering and trusting Him fully with my heart that I began to hear his voice over my life so clearly, in a way I never had before. Surrendering my anxiety, panic attacks, depression, debilitating migraine headaches, iron deficiency anemia, esophagus, stomach and reflux issues.

You see, before now, you couldn’t talk me out of being at the top of my corporate marketing career; I would never even consider choosing a lifestyle other than the corporate pace and path I had been bred to take since high school and college. Many of us have been taught from a young age that in order to be successful, you go to school, get good grades, graduate college and set out to pursue a corporate career. It wasn’t until after my relapse that everything clicked for me… “Just because the world’s standards are for me to work 9-7pm every day without taking lunch, high stress-levels, and unrealistic deadlines doesn’t make it right. And doesn’t mean it’s right for me. And that’s ok, Nicole.” It took me a long time to realize that just because the world’s way of doing things and conducting business wasn’t working for me and my particular personality/make up, didn’t mean I was any less successful. I had been out for almost a month, all the while my team was anxiously awaiting my return. I felt an extreme amount of pressure because I wasn’t that far into my “dream job” and everyone was counting on me. How could I let them down? As the weeks went on, it was clear that I was more sick than we thought…as I mentioned above, doctor’s would once again run test after test, blood draw after blood draw, to figure out I not only was extremely anxious and had panic disorder, but was severely anemic as well. I didn’t realize how much your iron levels affect your body’s production of red blood cells and oxygen flow. Things were slowly starting to make sense as to why I was feeling so bad. Getting on top of what was wrong and waiting on test results were overwhelming at first. But God was there. The whole time. Waiting for me to quietly take His hand and trust him exclusively with my whole life. If I didn’t, things were looking pretty grim. I woke up defeated, depressed, no sense of purpose, wondering if I would ever get back to myself…the girl I once knew. I was the LAST person in the world you would think could have depression…after all, I am constantly smiling, laughing, telling a joke, or chatting with strangers. What happened to THAT girl?

After months of treatment and working hard on myself, my confidence slowly started to creep back. God was so faithful and intentional in placing the right doctors, nurses and connections in my path to help me heal. To become the best version of myself. In enters lapis lazuli again. Ever since my first encounter with this message 3 years earlier, God had been laying on my heart to get a tattoo; a reminder of all I had learned during my journey and a bold act of my faith. When was it time to start stepping out and stepping into what God had for me? To start telling others the good news. The good news of his healing. His nature. His presence. The overwhelming peace and joy you can encounter when you live a life for Him. This is the place he had brought me. As hard as these past years and detours have been in my life, I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t trade what I once knew to what I now knew. I also realized I didn’t need to be “new,” I needed to be “RE-newed.” I didn’t have to be perfect because God was already perfect. His love, grace and peace encapsulated me during times I thought my career was over, my success I had worked so hard for since graduating was over, my joy was over. He’s brought me to a place of deep understanding and patience with myself. He’s given me grit in the hard times and grace in my daily walk. I now know what my limits are and live a healthy, much more balanced life, sans corporate world. Is it perfect? No. Are there days I still struggle to wrangle in my anxiety? Yes. Does Jesus meet me in the gap and offer me grace? Yes. He is faithful! It is now my goal to help others struggling to know that your identity is not found in the world, but in your Heavenly Father who created you. Your identity is not found in the value the world places on things but found in the value of the One who created the world.

I want people to know, especially young people that someone else understands what you’re going through in the career world. Trying to prove yourself and make a name for yourself so you can be written into the world’s definition of success…I get it. Whether you’ve voiced it to anyone or you feel like you’re going the path alone, know that someone else has been where you’re walking. Mental health (and physical health) is real. It tells you lies about yourself and misinforms what the TRUTH is. No more. It is time to grab hold of the one who created you and trust Him for more. For healing, redemption, joy & peace, and a COMEBACK you never imagined. If He did it for me (twice), I know He can do it for you!

Wishing you the brightest of blues,

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If this sparked something inside you, don’t hesitate to read out at hello@liveintheblue.com